Devotion: or 'Why I do most of what I do'
‘Her greatest ambition in life is to have been worthy of having lived it.’
Many years ago, when I was in high school, I read in an Astrology book at Barnes and Noble about Taurus women that ‘her greatest ambition in life is to have been worthy of having lived it’ and resonated with this deeply. So much so that it is still in my heart’s memory.
Learning about devotion, I understand now why I do what I do — as a therapist, breathwork teacher, etc. — inspired by an influential therapist who offered me the compassion I always needed. Devotion is why I was inspired by Gillian’s 7-bunny project and made my own to eradicate my own dread.
I want to forgive/let go of resentment for my family/Dad/God. This, and the fear instilled/created, blocks me from my devotion. It’s simple, but this is what takes the arrow out of my own heart.
“Devotion, Faith, Self-forgiveness, Love are all pathways to be in life of fullest expression well-used by life cost of that: egoic comfort zone” — Gillian Pothier
It’s incredibly telling that a part of me, with the little I knew about devotion hoped for more permission to be in this posture: on my knees.
Initially, I joined because I had a strong sense that despite what it looked like from one-way, on the outside (or inside, for that matter!) I was in a high-functioning, grounded, healthy partnership the past 4 years, and that its’ ‘toxicity’ and ‘his narcissism’ were architected by projections of fear/anger toward my father/men. My deep desire for devotion had me want to check my discernment.
Not long after, I was able to see ways I thought I was penetrable to not quite to be the case. I was able to see that I’ve had—and not quite received—A LOT of love from many, many good men in my life. Much more than I could receive or circulate. Ouch.
Even here in my current union, I could see just how impenetrable I’ve really been when I fancied myself so feel-able, open-hearted and vulnerable - but truly it had been some version of swampy, spilling. (Life-Death-Life, indeed.)
I felt SUCH grief to see how much my pain-body sabotaged relationships. It’s been painful to see how impenetrable and YET the lead-up to that descent was SO revealing of my dharma in this world…
I fell hard in love with my Bluebeard’s best friend thrice. The first time, I was 21, the next time I was 27. I always wondered what in me made me go back 6 years later. What unfinished business did I have? What made me skeptically think it would “work” if he was still best friends with my Bluebeard? (Spoiler: It didn’t - and yet it did. Just not in the way I would have preferred.)
He was my perfect counterpart each time. Our attraction, interactions, connection always felt magical, pulling at my heartstrings - our very own rendition of a ‘trauma bond’'/’twin flame’ before either term entered my consciousness.
I’d always been talented at numbing after break-ups. Our first break-up was so painfully wrought and had me finally truly seek therapy to trust the process and heal. When we broke up I was in total incoherent, painful grief/angst. It was so bad, I couldn’t numb in the ways I used to. Possibly a re-emergence of old grief, in that he had qualities that resembled my late father even down to his physique (which had never been my type). What hurt me was that in our time together, alongside the passionate, loving, erotic moments, I found myself in such deep despair for what was lost in those 6 years, taking me away from truly being in it, fighting against my own capacity to forgive him/his best friend and what ‘he had done to me’/myself - truly, truly at war with myself and pain-body, with difficulty finding my way to compassion. Not understanding fully what inside me brought me to contend with what happened 6+ years prior to begin with…
After a 3-month-long break up, in 2020, we got back together and accidentally spent 2 straight months, just the 2 of us, in his New Jersey apartment because of stay-at-home orders. Amidst that time, one night by the light of an Aries Full Moon, something clicked in my synapses and I suddenly, finally put together something deeply painful to realize about my experience with my Bluebeard (and others).
It had to do with my own remembrance of my freeze/fawn trauma responses. This was before I knew much at all about the somatic, autonomic nature of these responses, so there was a ton of shame and (repressed) rage.
We lasted one more month.
I tried for so long to override myself, but could NOT forgive my Bluebeard and therefore, I could not fully trust or respect his best friend. I can now see it was deeply, passionate union with beautiful intention, yet it couldn’t be ‘clean’ no matter how much either of us wanted or forced it. It hurt to accept, but it sent me on this path to healing and somatic embodiment.
I see it was fortuitous, each relationship that didn’t work out because it catapulted me either down into a descent and/or deeper into a ‘self-love journey’ to learn to love myself —ideally, ruthlessly, relentlessly — and seek the teachers I was ready for, including my most influential therapist, who expanded me into wanting this sacred work for my own ‘career’, to having the feeling of ‘maybe I can be her, do this for a living, when I grow up… to give back…’
In many ways, looking back, I do feel birthed by the Masculine.
Earlier this year, I could not as much access my Self/Truth/ Devotion/Ecstasy as much because of an exorbitant amount of dread/anxiety, coming from wound templates of not enough-ness (and ironically, too much-ness) and imposter syndrome. It ended up making me resent/hate that I “had” to work despite my wretched, twisted path and own lack of emotional regulation in myself/relationships.
I felt like a total fraud. It felt excruciating, like an addiction to pain-body.
How could I have so desired to do this as a career, and now dread it at once?
I had trouble seeing why because I thought I’d have my devotion and love in it automatically. I didn’t realize what resentments/forgiveness needed to be let go, purified, clear away, for me to access my heart…
With clients, it can be sad for me to see the loss of being fed by devotion in man “hating” and mistrust. Yet, it heartens me when I’m able to see the instinct in tact. Recently, in the role of clinician, I beheld such eros in a young woman, and it was a new experience for her, and incredibly moving for both, and it was magical and quite unnameable…
I’m learning Devotion is designed to flow upward. I can see why it was not automatically there for me. If I try to place anyone as equal—or worse, as below me in proving to them my ‘superior competence’, I can see now I’m more likely to burnout, rather than feel well-used by life. And devotion is different than fearing, which I can see is my Original Masculine/Father wound templating.
Yet, I feel fear of what’s on the other side of feeling too good.